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A Homeland Security Officer stopped at our farm yesterday stating;
I need to inspect your farm for illegally growing drugs.
I said Okay. but don�t go in that field over there�.. .
The Homeland Security Officer verbally exploded saying,
Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. See this fucking badge. This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish�. On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear?�. Do you understand me.
I nodded politely, and even apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the Homeland Security Officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he�d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. I quickly threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs.
Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!
(I love this! Homerland Insecurity at their best)
SO A PIRATE WALKED INTO A BAR.
And the bartender said, Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.
What do you mean? said the pirate, I feel fine.
What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.
Well, said the pirate, We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.
The bartender replied, Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?
The pirate explained, We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I’m fine, really.
And what about that eye patch?
Oh, said the pirate, One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye.
You’re kidding, said the bartender. You can’t lose an eye just from bird shit
It was my first day with the hook.